20 tips for parents whose children suffer with separation anxiety

If you have a child who suffers with separation anxiety and becomes anxious every time you try to leave her, you’ll take some comfort from knowing this is generally a normal part of your child’s development.

The crying, tantrums, and clinginess of your child’s early years are healthy reactions to separation. You’ll probably see signs of this between the age of one and four, but the intensity can vary.

Persevering, understanding and adopting coping strategies should help you through what can be a stressful time for all concerned. The time to be worried is if your child starts to avoid certain activities, such as going to school or engaging in hobbies and leisure activities out of school.

If you have concerns about separation anxiety in your child, here are some tips to try that may help to relieve the situation. Remember perseverance and patience are key to success, and never show your frustration to your child.

Educate yourself about separation anxiety disorder. You’re reading this, so that’s a good start. Understanding what your child is going through, will help you to sympathize with her struggle.
In the same vein, it’s important that you take the time to listen to your child. Respect her feelings. Your child will share their worries and feel more secure knowing you are taking them seriously and that you will take the time to listen. Being listened to and acknowledged can be incredibly healing.
If your child doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, see whether you can encourage them to do so. Remind them, gently, how well they survived when you went away before.
Practice leaving your child alone. Get her used to a different caregiver. Initially you can do this for a few minutes at a time, and extend the period of time she is left alone, as well as the distance from home.
However, if it is at all possible, leave your child in familiar surroundings. Her separation anxiety will be reduced if everything is where she expects it to be. Have the babysitter or temporary caregiver come to your home.
If you are dropping your child off somewhere, if your child feels less anxious when one parent leaves, have that parent drop them off.
Try to ensure that your child isn’t being passed around between too many babysitters, childminders or caregivers.
Children appreciate routines and predictability, so let them know if there is ever going to be a change in the schedule, and maybe ask them to help you ‘solve’ a scheduling problem. If your child can’t solve the problem, offer them some choices and see which they prefer. Try and get them on board.
Ensure your child is not tired or hungry when you leave, as these will exacerbate the feelings of anxiety when they are left alone.
Don’t allow your child to watch TV, or witness violent video games etc. as these may increase her anxiety.
Be specific, in a way that your child will understand. “I’ll be back after you’ve had your milk this afternoon,” for example, or “I’ll see you after two sleeps,” as this works better than at 3 pm or in two days.
Have a goodbye ritual. These can be simple, a kiss and a wave and a few words you always say, but they will reassure your child. However, make sure you don’t create a song and dance. Say you’re going, have your ritual and then leave.
If you are dropping your child off and she goes ballistic, keep calm.
If your child has separation anxiety at school, send little notes in for her to find. In her pocket or lunch box for example.
When you leave your child, give them your undivided attention. Be loving, and provide affection. Then say your goodbye quickly and happily, regardless of whether she is begging you to stay.
Use positive reinforcement and praise for every step forward your child is able to take.
When you offer praise, be very specific as this will help to build your child’s confidence. Use descriptive praise such as, “I really like the way you picked up your toys. You’re so helpful,” rather than a generic “that’s a good girl.”
If you make any promises to your child, you must keep them. Your child wants to trust you, and by honouring what you say you will build trust and independence.
Don’t give in. Don’t turn around and come back if your child starts screaming and crying, as this will reinforce your child’s power over you. You are the adult and you need to stay calm and in charge of the situation.
Set rules, limits and boundaries. Children may rail against such things, but research has shown that they appreciate them. Of course you should ensure your child knows that you care about and appreciate their feelings, but you set the rules in your household to keep your child safe, and they must be followed.

Created by Tom Vermeersch (bio)

Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.

Other articles

Let's make 2021 better than 2020

For many people, 2020 has been one of the worst years they can remember. The COVID -19 pandemic and social unrest have changed our lives in ways we would not have believed possible a year ago. And when January 2021 comes around, we're still likely to be facing many challenges. Can 2021 be a better year?

How to break your bad habits

Bad habits waste your energy and time. They disrupt your life, risk your health and stop you from achieving your aims. So why do we do them? And what can we do to break our bad habits?

What can you do if your kid doesn't want to go back to school?

What can you do if your kid doesn't want to go back to school? Here are our hints and tips to help if your child is expressing a refusal to go to school.

Is the world as we know it over?

Since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, governments around the world have taken unprecedented measures to stop the spread of coronavirus. The rapid changes we've seen have had an impact on almost every aspect of our lives.

Top 5 nonsensical reasons to have doubts about yourself

It happens to everyone at times: we start doubting ourselves. We worry about the decisions and whether we can face future challenges that life has in store. And sometimes we feel that we just aren't good enough.

How to stop everything going wrong

Do you always feel that everything’s always going wrong? Find out how to stop this cycle of bad thoughts in its tracks. When you think positively, things will start to appear positive and you will eventually feel more positive and optimistic.

Fact or fiction? Is it truly healthy?

There's so much contradictory health advice out there, it gets confusing. One year, butter is said to be bad for you, and margarine is better. The following year, it's the other way around. One article says running causes strain on your joints; another says it's good for you because it increases bone strength.

How to spice up your life

Do you feel you're always doing the same things and not getting anywhere? It's common to feel stuck in a rut, treading water and just going through the motions.

Do you think too much? Or too little?

Feel like you overthink too much? Having a hard time making decisions? Or feel like you don’t consider your options enough? Find out how to strike a balance.

5 Signs of narcissistic perversion

Narcissism is a term we often see these days. But what does it mean? It's used to describe a person who is full of themselves or overly vain. However, it's not really about self-love.

20 tips for parents whose children suffer with separation anxiety

Educate yourself about separation anxiety disorder. You’re reading this, so that’s a good start. Understanding what your child is going through, will help you to sympathize with her struggle.
In the same vein, it’s important that you take the time to listen to your child. Respect her feelings. Your child will share their worries and feel more secure knowing you are taking them seriously and that you will take the time to listen. Being listened to and acknowledged can be incredibly healing.
If your child doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, see whether you can encourage them to do so. Remind them, gently, how well they survived when you went away before.
Practice leaving your child alone. Get her used to a different caregiver. Initially you can do this for a few minutes at a time, and extend the period of time she is left alone, as well as the distance from home.
However, if it is at all possible, leave your child in familiar surroundings. Her separation anxiety will be reduced if everything is where she expects it to be. Have the babysitter or temporary caregiver come to your home.
If you are dropping your child off somewhere, if your child feels less anxious when one parent leaves, have that parent drop them off.
Try to ensure that your child isn’t being passed around between too many babysitters, childminders or caregivers.
Children appreciate routines and predictability, so let them know if there is ever going to be a change in the schedule, and maybe ask them to help you ‘solve’ a scheduling problem. If your child can’t solve the problem, offer them some choices and see which they prefer. Try and get them on board.
Ensure your child is not tired or hungry when you leave, as these will exacerbate the feelings of anxiety when they are left alone.
Don’t allow your child to watch TV, or witness violent video games etc. as these may increase her anxiety.
Be specific, in a way that your child will understand. “I’ll be back after you’ve had your milk this afternoon,” for example, or “I’ll see you after two sleeps,” as this works better than at 3 pm or in two days.
Have a goodbye ritual. These can be simple, a kiss and a wave and a few words you always say, but they will reassure your child. However, make sure you don’t create a song and dance. Say you’re going, have your ritual and then leave.
If you are dropping your child off and she goes ballistic, keep calm.
If your child has separation anxiety at school, send little notes in for her to find. In her pocket or lunch box for example.
When you leave your child, give them your undivided attention. Be loving, and provide affection. Then say your goodbye quickly and happily, regardless of whether she is begging you to stay.
Use positive reinforcement and praise for every step forward your child is able to take.
When you offer praise, be very specific as this will help to build your child’s confidence. Use descriptive praise such as, “I really like the way you picked up your toys. You’re so helpful,” rather than a generic “that’s a good girl.”
If you make any promises to your child, you must keep them. Your child wants to trust you, and by honouring what you say you will build trust and independence.
Don’t give in. Don’t turn around and come back if your child starts screaming and crying, as this will reinforce your child’s power over you. You are the adult and you need to stay calm and in charge of the situation.
Set rules, limits and boundaries. Children may rail against such things, but research has shown that they appreciate them. Of course you should ensure your child knows that you care about and appreciate their feelings, but you set the rules in your household to keep your child safe, and they must be followed.