Are you too assertive or not assertive enough? Take the test!

Are you a shrinking violet or the life and soul of any gathering? It may be that you wish you were more assertive so that you don’t disappear into the background, or perhaps you think you’re too assertive and come across as a little aggressive. There’s a fine line to tread between being too assertive and not assertive enough, and in this article we’re going to take a look at this issue.

It seems that over the past twenty or thirty years we have become conditioned to believe that assertiveness is linked to success, leadership, and getting ahead in our lives. However, assertiveness has become a term that is a double-edged sword, particularly for women in the workplace. The synonym for “assertive” is “aggressive” after all.

The benefits of being assertive

According to research undertaken by the Mayo clinic in the USA, being assertive is good for your health. You’re more likely to handle stress more easily, and cope with daily pressure, if you are able to vocalise any complaints or issues you have. Standing up for yourself boosts your self-confidence, and that makes you feel better.

In addition, asking others for what you want or need in a calm and rational manner makes your life easier. Assertiveness gets you that appointment you need, or a job interview, or inclusion in a social outing.

Are you overly assertive?

• Do you tend to dominate discussion?
• Do people often tell you you’re not listening?
• Do you tend not to work well in a team?
• If someone has an idea that you don’t like, do you squash it?
• Are you often in conflict with loved ones or work colleagues?
• Do you believe your way is the right way?
• Do you speak too loudly, shout, talk over others, interrupt them, drown them out?
• Do you resort to personal attacks to “make a point”?
• Do you find others avoid you?
• Do you often feel angry, misunderstood or under-appreciated?

Are you too passive?

• You prefer to listen and not contribute much to a conversation?
• Sometimes you have a burning desire to say something but don’t?
• You go along with what everyone else is doing or saying
• You prefer to blend into the background in a team
• You do not contribute ideas or positive change
• You look the other way when things are being done wrong
• You too may feel angry, and under-unappreciated

Do you struggle to be properly assertive?

It may be that you find it difficult to vocalise what you want or feel. You may be too passive, and fear conflict, so you allow others to drown you out. On the other hand, if you’re too assertive, others may find you too domineering, pushy or aggressive, and avoid you if they can. People tend to think that highly assertive people are less friendly, less likeable, and more self-involved than others – and it may be that you are! If you feel that you alienate people, you need to reconsider how you’re coming across.

One line of thought suggests that overly assertive people are driven by ‘winning’ – that could be an argument, a promotion, the front of the queue; while people who are less assertive are driven by relationships: they want to be liked.

The trick to knowing the difference is making sure you are self-aware. How do you come across to other people? You might be surprised to find that people think you are more assertive than you feel you are. If you regularly rub someone up the wrong way, it may be because the other person perceives you as too assertive.

There’s nothing wrong with being introverted

In life, in teams, at work and in the family, there is room for all types of people. People, who are peacemakers, people who like to please. There is only an issue if you as an individual know that you are practicing avoidance behaviours, or you try to appease others at the expense of your own sense of self. Of course, it can be difficult for an unassertive person to speak up even when asked. It takes courage to build assertiveness.

Walking the tightrope of being ‘properly assertive’

According to research, and possible common sense too, being properly assertive means being proactive but also inclusive. You are involved and engaged, and you encourage others to be too. You put forward your own point of view, and you listen and consider others.

It may be that you need to take advice from someone else about your assertiveness skills. If you notice you’re too assertive or not assertive enough then it is more than likely that others have noticed this too, and they may have some useful feedback for you if you’re prepared to listen. It is worth bearing in mind that research shows that people are less likely to tell you that you are too assertive even if you are, because they may lack assertiveness themselves and fear conflict. This is especially the case if you have a tendency to react badly to such news or you’re volatile.

Remember - being able to express yourself is fundamental to good self-esteem so it is worth putting some time in and getting the balance of assertiveness right.

Other articles

Why you're not the best

What are your aims in life? Do you plan to be rich, to be a top footballer, to be a good parent, or to become Prime Minister? However efficiently you plan your life, sooner or later you are going to come up against obstacles to achieving your goals.

12 easy ways to get people to like you

Have you ever noticed that some people are instantly likeable? Many people believe that people will only like you because of natural traits you're born with: good looks, talent and sociability. But this is a misconception. Getting people to like you is within your control, and it's all to do with self-belief, knowing yourself and being emotionally intelligent. Here's what to do to be more likeable.

How to spot toxic behaviour

You see the word "toxic" everywhere these days, but what does it really mean? You've almost certainly come across someone who fits the description. Dealing with difficult personalities can be challenging and emotionally exhausting, to say the least.

Did you get stuck in the past?

Do you find yourself often thinking about your past? Do you wish you could turn back the clock to days gone by or things as they were before covid disrupted the world?

Are things moving too fast for you?

If you're worried that the world is changing too fast, you're not alone: technology is constantly developing, and it can be challenging to keep up with all the changes. As a result, many people - not just the older generations - feel anxious that they might get left behind.

7 tips to help your dog with a fear of fireworks

As nice as it is for a person to celebrate New Year, it's not so nice for a dog, especially when the loud fireworks go off the whole night. This is really frightening for many dogs. Read our 7 tips on how you can help your dog with his fear of fireworks.

Let's make 2021 better than 2020

For many people, 2020 has been one of the worst years they can remember. The COVID -19 pandemic and social unrest have changed our lives in ways we would not have believed possible a year ago. And when January 2021 comes around, we're still likely to be facing many challenges. Can 2021 be a better year?

Find out if you're suffering from imposter syndrome

Do you sometimes feel your achievements are not the result of your hard work and skill but are just luck? And do you fear that one day, someone will reveal you as an imposter or fraud? You might have imposter syndrome!

Do you 'Musturbate' too much?

Do you suffer from a disorder known as "musturbation"? This term was first coined in the 1950s by psychotherapist Albert Ellis and described the way a negative inner voice rules our minds and bludgeons us with words such as "must", "should", and "ought".

Are you stuck in a rut?

Sometimes it’s hard to notice when we've become trapped in familiar routines. Take our quiz to find out if you’re stuck in a rut and what you can do about it.