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Bach flowers mix 56

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Finding happiness in a reconstituted or blended family

Finding happiness in a reconstituted or blended family

With the rise in divorce rates over the past few decades, it is no surprise that the number of blended families has increased too. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from a previous relationship come together in the same household.

There can be a great number of challenges to finding happiness for all the individuals involved, given the differing expectations in terms of rules, boundaries and cultural and social norms. So how can you ensure you find happiness in your blended family?

Recognise how challenging the process of blending can be

If you have yet to make the jump into a reconstituted family, give it some serious consideration. If you have already gone for it, take a moment to acknowledge the challenges ahead. You want everyone to get on as well as you and your partner do, of course you do, but you have chosen each other, and the children have not. Everyone will have very different expectations, and somehow you have to tread a fine line and negotiate a path that everyone is happy to travel. You and your partner need to unite, and come together to provide fair but firm leadership, but at the same time you must ensure you stick up for your children in the process.

Plan and discuss

Everyone in the family will need to pull their weight to ensure that the situation works. It is worth coming together as a family to discuss a plan of action. Consider the following, for example:

  • Who will discipline?
  • Who will ensure the education and development of the children?
  • What chores and jobs around the home are the children expected to perform?
  • Who will sleep where, and which space belongs to whom?
  • What rules are in place for access for ex-partners and grandparents?
  • How will the family work financially?
  • Are there temporary measures or long term goals?

Go forward with positivity

Blending a family is stressful, there is no doubt about that. You are handing some control over to someone who doesn’t know your kids as well as you do, and possibly doesn’t even like them much, let alone love them. Growing relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, tempers will fray, but remember that arguing will get you nowhere.

If you are arguing a great deal, agree to stop. Set a time, perhaps in a café or somewhere a little more public and take time to relax and discuss things calmly and rationally. If there is too much to discuss, set up a series of discussions and just address one or two issues at each ‘meeting’. Try to avoid arguing in front of your step-children. The way you behave with your partner in front of the kids is a signpost for them. If you fall out and they don’t see you make up, they don’t know you have. They will side with their parent and you will lose out.

Be honest with your partner. What do you need? What do your children need? What is non-negotiable? Listen to your partner’s needs too. And hear them. This will be a good starting place for making your blended family situation work.

Work on your new relationships

Your stepchildren are people in their own right and they deserve some time and attention from you. Give them the opportunity to get to know you, and spend time interacting alone. Encourage your own children to do the same with your partner, and your children with your partner’s children and so on. This can take the form of reading a story, going to a movie or the park, or with older children perhaps a shopping spree for new clothes.

If it is at all possible, try to ensure good, open and honest relationships your former spouses, and the children’s grandparents. Obviously this is a delicate situation at times, but it does ease the transition for the children. Your children and step-children will feel your negativity or lack of respect towards a natural parent as a personal slight, so take care how you present your own feelings and perceptions about former partners. Certainly ex-partners can be vested in being bitter and acrimonious but it is necessary to rise above it where you can.

Work on your existing relationships

Just because you have blended your family does not mean it is an amorphous mass. You need to take time to ensure your own children still feel extremely special, so occasionally you should get out with just them and spoil them rotten, or just be available to them when they need you. Encourage your partner to do the same with their children. Be equal with all children when you can be, but recognise that there will be times when this is not possible.

You should also nurture your relationship with your partner too, because at this stage the relationship is still quite new to both of you, and yet you are already experiencing stresses and challenges. Take time out so that you can remind yourself exactly why you are trying to build a future together.

Consistency

You need to be in this for the long haul, so that means setting rules and boundaries, and understanding who will discipline and what form that will take. This needs to be consistent day in and day out, by both partners and for all children. Children should never be allowed to manipulate the situation and win over their parent. Any weakness will be exploited.

Use laughter where you can

The more laughter, fun and play in your household, the more likely you will transition into a happy blended family. Play silly games, go to funny movies, eat silly food. Find ways to make everyone smile. Laughter is great reliever of tension and can help to unify a blended family situation. Choose activities that the whole family can join in – and be equally good (or bad) at. You don’t want one person to feel left out.

Have your own support network

You’re working through some tough challenges so you’ll need support too, so find someone who will listen to you when you need a friendly shoulder. This can be a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor, perhaps even another parent going through the same things.

Try to relax

You will make mistakes, everyone does. Forgive yourself and move on. We cannot grow if we are afraid to fail. Keep striving towards your goal of a happy, well-blended family.

Created by Tom Vermeersch ()

Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.

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Finding happiness in a reconstituted or blended family

Finding happiness in a reconstituted or blended family
Finding happiness in a reconstituted or blended family

With the rise in divorce rates over the past few decades, it is no surprise that the number of blended families has increased too. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from a previous relationship come together in the same household.

There can be a great number of challenges to finding happiness for all the individuals involved, given the differing expectations in terms of rules, boundaries and cultural and social norms. So how can you ensure you find happiness in your blended family?

Recognise how challenging the process of blending can be

If you have yet to make the jump into a reconstituted family, give it some serious consideration. If you have already gone for it, take a moment to acknowledge the challenges ahead. You want everyone to get on as well as you and your partner do, of course you do, but you have chosen each other, and the children have not. Everyone will have very different expectations, and somehow you have to tread a fine line and negotiate a path that everyone is happy to travel. You and your partner need to unite, and come together to provide fair but firm leadership, but at the same time you must ensure you stick up for your children in the process.

Plan and discuss

Everyone in the family will need to pull their weight to ensure that the situation works. It is worth coming together as a family to discuss a plan of action. Consider the following, for example:

  • Who will discipline?
  • Who will ensure the education and development of the children?
  • What chores and jobs around the home are the children expected to perform?
  • Who will sleep where, and which space belongs to whom?
  • What rules are in place for access for ex-partners and grandparents?
  • How will the family work financially?
  • Are there temporary measures or long term goals?

Go forward with positivity

Blending a family is stressful, there is no doubt about that. You are handing some control over to someone who doesn’t know your kids as well as you do, and possibly doesn’t even like them much, let alone love them. Growing relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, tempers will fray, but remember that arguing will get you nowhere.

If you are arguing a great deal, agree to stop. Set a time, perhaps in a café or somewhere a little more public and take time to relax and discuss things calmly and rationally. If there is too much to discuss, set up a series of discussions and just address one or two issues at each ‘meeting’. Try to avoid arguing in front of your step-children. The way you behave with your partner in front of the kids is a signpost for them. If you fall out and they don’t see you make up, they don’t know you have. They will side with their parent and you will lose out.

Be honest with your partner. What do you need? What do your children need? What is non-negotiable? Listen to your partner’s needs too. And hear them. This will be a good starting place for making your blended family situation work.

Work on your new relationships

Your stepchildren are people in their own right and they deserve some time and attention from you. Give them the opportunity to get to know you, and spend time interacting alone. Encourage your own children to do the same with your partner, and your children with your partner’s children and so on. This can take the form of reading a story, going to a movie or the park, or with older children perhaps a shopping spree for new clothes.

If it is at all possible, try to ensure good, open and honest relationships your former spouses, and the children’s grandparents. Obviously this is a delicate situation at times, but it does ease the transition for the children. Your children and step-children will feel your negativity or lack of respect towards a natural parent as a personal slight, so take care how you present your own feelings and perceptions about former partners. Certainly ex-partners can be vested in being bitter and acrimonious but it is necessary to rise above it where you can.

Work on your existing relationships

Just because you have blended your family does not mean it is an amorphous mass. You need to take time to ensure your own children still feel extremely special, so occasionally you should get out with just them and spoil them rotten, or just be available to them when they need you. Encourage your partner to do the same with their children. Be equal with all children when you can be, but recognise that there will be times when this is not possible.

You should also nurture your relationship with your partner too, because at this stage the relationship is still quite new to both of you, and yet you are already experiencing stresses and challenges. Take time out so that you can remind yourself exactly why you are trying to build a future together.

Consistency

You need to be in this for the long haul, so that means setting rules and boundaries, and understanding who will discipline and what form that will take. This needs to be consistent day in and day out, by both partners and for all children. Children should never be allowed to manipulate the situation and win over their parent. Any weakness will be exploited.

Use laughter where you can

The more laughter, fun and play in your household, the more likely you will transition into a happy blended family. Play silly games, go to funny movies, eat silly food. Find ways to make everyone smile. Laughter is great reliever of tension and can help to unify a blended family situation. Choose activities that the whole family can join in – and be equally good (or bad) at. You don’t want one person to feel left out.

Have your own support network

You’re working through some tough challenges so you’ll need support too, so find someone who will listen to you when you need a friendly shoulder. This can be a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor, perhaps even another parent going through the same things.

Try to relax

You will make mistakes, everyone does. Forgive yourself and move on. We cannot grow if we are afraid to fail. Keep striving towards your goal of a happy, well-blended family.




Bach flowers mix 56: Divorce

Bach flowers mix 56 helps to:

  • Deal with grief caused by the divorce
  • Pick your life back up
  • Deal with this new situation smoothly
  • Step into the future full of confidence
  • Stop worry anxiously about the children
Discover how Bach flowers mix 56 can help you
Marie Pure

Other articles


5 tips to survive autumn healthily

5 tips to survive autumn healthily

We simply can’t avoid noticing the changes all around us. Autumn is here... Autumn is also called a transitional season. Slowly and steadily, it prepares us for the transition...

Read the complete article

Did you get stuck in the past

Did you get stuck in the past?

Do you find yourself often thinking about your past? Do you wish you could turn back the clock to days gone by or things as they were before covid disrupted the world?

Read the complete article

Do We Label Too Fast

Do We Label Too Fast?

Nowadays, it can sometimes seem almost everyone has a mental health issue or learning disorder. But, are we too quick to label people, or is it that we are more aware of the problems? This article looks at some of the issues surrounding these sensitive questions.

Read the complete article

Why you're not the best

Why you're not the best

What are your aims in life? Do you plan to be rich, to be a top footballer, to be a good parent, or to become Prime Minister? However efficiently you plan your life, sooner or later you are going to come up against obstacles to achieving your goals.

Read the complete article

Find out if you're suffering from imposter syndrome

Find out if you're suffering from imposter syndrome

Do you sometimes feel your achievements are not the result of your hard work and skill but are just luck? And do you fear that one day, someone will reveal you as an imposter or fraud? You might have imposter syndrome!

Read the complete article

Are you stuck in a rut

Are you stuck in a rut?

Sometimes it’s hard to notice when we've become trapped in familiar routines. Take our quiz to find out if you’re stuck in a rut and what you can do about it.

Read the complete article

Are you resilient enough Take our quiz!

Are you resilient enough? Take our quiz!

Do you have enough resilience to face the world out there? Take our quiz to find out how resilient you are and find tips on how to build your mental resilience.

Read the complete article

Signs you're slipping into a burn-out

Signs you're slipping into a burn-out

Learn how to recognise the signs of stress and avoid slipping into a burnout or a bore-out

Read the complete article

Top 5 nonsensical reasons to have doubts about yourself

Top 5 nonsensical reasons to have doubts about yourself

It happens to everyone at times: we start doubting ourselves. We worry about the decisions and whether we can face future challenges that life has in store. And sometimes we feel that we just aren't good enough.

Read the complete article

How to spice up your life

How to spice up your life

Do you feel you're always doing the same things and not getting anywhere? It's common to feel stuck in a rut, treading water and just going through the motions.

Read the complete article

Bach Flowers are not medicinal but harmless plant extracts which are used to support health.

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