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With the rise in divorce rates over the past few decades, it is no surprise that the number of blended families has increased too. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from a previous relationship come together in the same household.
There can be a great number of challenges to finding happiness for all the individuals involved, given the differing expectations in terms of rules, boundaries and cultural and social norms. So how can you ensure you find happiness in your blended family?
If you have yet to make the jump into a reconstituted family, give it some serious consideration. If you have already gone for it, take a moment to acknowledge the challenges ahead. You want everyone to get on as well as you and your partner do, of course you do, but you have chosen each other, and the children have not. Everyone will have very different expectations, and somehow you have to tread a fine line and negotiate a path that everyone is happy to travel. You and your partner need to unite, and come together to provide fair but firm leadership, but at the same time you must ensure you stick up for your children in the process.
Everyone in the family will need to pull their weight to ensure that the situation works. It is worth coming together as a family to discuss a plan of action. Consider the following, for example:
Blending a family is stressful, there is no doubt about that. You are handing some control over to someone who doesn’t know your kids as well as you do, and possibly doesn’t even like them much, let alone love them. Growing relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, tempers will fray, but remember that arguing will get you nowhere.
If you are arguing a great deal, agree to stop. Set a time, perhaps in a café or somewhere a little more public and take time to relax and discuss things calmly and rationally. If there is too much to discuss, set up a series of discussions and just address one or two issues at each ‘meeting’. Try to avoid arguing in front of your step-children. The way you behave with your partner in front of the kids is a signpost for them. If you fall out and they don’t see you make up, they don’t know you have. They will side with their parent and you will lose out.
Be honest with your partner. What do you need? What do your children need? What is non-negotiable? Listen to your partner’s needs too. And hear them. This will be a good starting place for making your blended family situation work.
Your stepchildren are people in their own right and they deserve some time and attention from you. Give them the opportunity to get to know you, and spend time interacting alone. Encourage your own children to do the same with your partner, and your children with your partner’s children and so on. This can take the form of reading a story, going to a movie or the park, or with older children perhaps a shopping spree for new clothes.
If it is at all possible, try to ensure good, open and honest relationships your former spouses, and the children’s grandparents. Obviously this is a delicate situation at times, but it does ease the transition for the children. Your children and step-children will feel your negativity or lack of respect towards a natural parent as a personal slight, so take care how you present your own feelings and perceptions about former partners. Certainly ex-partners can be vested in being bitter and acrimonious but it is necessary to rise above it where you can.
Just because you have blended your family does not mean it is an amorphous mass. You need to take time to ensure your own children still feel extremely special, so occasionally you should get out with just them and spoil them rotten, or just be available to them when they need you. Encourage your partner to do the same with their children. Be equal with all children when you can be, but recognise that there will be times when this is not possible.
You should also nurture your relationship with your partner too, because at this stage the relationship is still quite new to both of you, and yet you are already experiencing stresses and challenges. Take time out so that you can remind yourself exactly why you are trying to build a future together.
You need to be in this for the long haul, so that means setting rules and boundaries, and understanding who will discipline and what form that will take. This needs to be consistent day in and day out, by both partners and for all children. Children should never be allowed to manipulate the situation and win over their parent. Any weakness will be exploited.
The more laughter, fun and play in your household, the more likely you will transition into a happy blended family. Play silly games, go to funny movies, eat silly food. Find ways to make everyone smile. Laughter is great reliever of tension and can help to unify a blended family situation. Choose activities that the whole family can join in – and be equally good (or bad) at. You don’t want one person to feel left out.
You’re working through some tough challenges so you’ll need support too, so find someone who will listen to you when you need a friendly shoulder. This can be a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor, perhaps even another parent going through the same things.
You will make mistakes, everyone does. Forgive yourself and move on. We cannot grow if we are afraid to fail. Keep striving towards your goal of a happy, well-blended family.
Created by Tom Vermeersch (bio)
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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With the rise in divorce rates over the past few decades, it is no surprise that the number of blended families has increased too. Blended families are formed when two people who have children from a previous relationship come together in the same household.
There can be a great number of challenges to finding happiness for all the individuals involved, given the differing expectations in terms of rules, boundaries and cultural and social norms. So how can you ensure you find happiness in your blended family?
If you have yet to make the jump into a reconstituted family, give it some serious consideration. If you have already gone for it, take a moment to acknowledge the challenges ahead. You want everyone to get on as well as you and your partner do, of course you do, but you have chosen each other, and the children have not. Everyone will have very different expectations, and somehow you have to tread a fine line and negotiate a path that everyone is happy to travel. You and your partner need to unite, and come together to provide fair but firm leadership, but at the same time you must ensure you stick up for your children in the process.
Everyone in the family will need to pull their weight to ensure that the situation works. It is worth coming together as a family to discuss a plan of action. Consider the following, for example:
Blending a family is stressful, there is no doubt about that. You are handing some control over to someone who doesn’t know your kids as well as you do, and possibly doesn’t even like them much, let alone love them. Growing relationships take time and need to be nurtured. Given the sensitive nature of the situation, tempers will fray, but remember that arguing will get you nowhere.
If you are arguing a great deal, agree to stop. Set a time, perhaps in a café or somewhere a little more public and take time to relax and discuss things calmly and rationally. If there is too much to discuss, set up a series of discussions and just address one or two issues at each ‘meeting’. Try to avoid arguing in front of your step-children. The way you behave with your partner in front of the kids is a signpost for them. If you fall out and they don’t see you make up, they don’t know you have. They will side with their parent and you will lose out.
Be honest with your partner. What do you need? What do your children need? What is non-negotiable? Listen to your partner’s needs too. And hear them. This will be a good starting place for making your blended family situation work.
Your stepchildren are people in their own right and they deserve some time and attention from you. Give them the opportunity to get to know you, and spend time interacting alone. Encourage your own children to do the same with your partner, and your children with your partner’s children and so on. This can take the form of reading a story, going to a movie or the park, or with older children perhaps a shopping spree for new clothes.
If it is at all possible, try to ensure good, open and honest relationships your former spouses, and the children’s grandparents. Obviously this is a delicate situation at times, but it does ease the transition for the children. Your children and step-children will feel your negativity or lack of respect towards a natural parent as a personal slight, so take care how you present your own feelings and perceptions about former partners. Certainly ex-partners can be vested in being bitter and acrimonious but it is necessary to rise above it where you can.
Just because you have blended your family does not mean it is an amorphous mass. You need to take time to ensure your own children still feel extremely special, so occasionally you should get out with just them and spoil them rotten, or just be available to them when they need you. Encourage your partner to do the same with their children. Be equal with all children when you can be, but recognise that there will be times when this is not possible.
You should also nurture your relationship with your partner too, because at this stage the relationship is still quite new to both of you, and yet you are already experiencing stresses and challenges. Take time out so that you can remind yourself exactly why you are trying to build a future together.
You need to be in this for the long haul, so that means setting rules and boundaries, and understanding who will discipline and what form that will take. This needs to be consistent day in and day out, by both partners and for all children. Children should never be allowed to manipulate the situation and win over their parent. Any weakness will be exploited.
The more laughter, fun and play in your household, the more likely you will transition into a happy blended family. Play silly games, go to funny movies, eat silly food. Find ways to make everyone smile. Laughter is great reliever of tension and can help to unify a blended family situation. Choose activities that the whole family can join in – and be equally good (or bad) at. You don’t want one person to feel left out.
You’re working through some tough challenges so you’ll need support too, so find someone who will listen to you when you need a friendly shoulder. This can be a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor, perhaps even another parent going through the same things.
You will make mistakes, everyone does. Forgive yourself and move on. We cannot grow if we are afraid to fail. Keep striving towards your goal of a happy, well-blended family.
It's natural to compare our own lives with those of others - weighing up the pros and cons of situations helps us make decisions. But there can be a downside when you find you're constantly comparing yourself with others, envying their seemingly perfect lives and wondering why they are luckier, more prosperous, and better looking than you.
According to figures from the World Health Organisation, more than 260 million people worldwide suffer from depression. And it's not only adults who are diagnosed with this illness. Children as young as three or four years old can experience depression.
Irrational anxieties can seem overwhelming, affecting every aspect of your life. Learn how to beat your fears and worries and take back control.
If you're worried that the world is changing too fast, you're not alone: technology is constantly developing, and it can be challenging to keep up with all the changes. As a result, many people - not just the older generations - feel anxious that they might get left behind.
Motivation can be somewhat elusive - some days, you just can't seem to make yourself do the stuff you don't want to. But putting things off just leads to stress, frustration and a sense of guilt.
Feel like everyone takes you for granted? Whether it's working late to prepare a presentation or cooking a special birthday meal for your partner, it's nice to be appreciated when you've made an extra effort. And if it seems as if people don't notice, you might feel as if no one values you.
Read the complete article
When you think about things that will make you happy, what are the images that come to mind? Wealth, beauty, a dream house, long holidays, a top of the range car? Happiness is not a constant and how happy we feel depends on the way we choose to live our lives.
What are your aims in life? Do you plan to be rich, to be a top footballer, to be a good parent, or to become Prime Minister? However efficiently you plan your life, sooner or later you are going to come up against obstacles to achieving your goals.
We all want to be successful but many of us find the path to achieving our dreams is blocked by our fear of failure. Whether you’re trying to lose weight, go backpacking around the world or start up a new business, you need to accept that you might fail many times over before you achieve success.
Do you feel you’re always criticising and judging everyone, yourself included? Do you feel bad about it afterwards? You’re certainly not alone! Read on to discover how you can judge less and start to accept things the way they are.
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